so I thought I’d give it a try.
Dear Cousin Larry and Balki Bartokomous,
Just wanted to write you a note to say that you’re making me really fat. There’s a girl at work who is a month further along than me and you can hardly tell she’s pregnant. I’m okay with it, but I thought you should know that before you were born, your mom was a size 6 and looked great in a bikini. Please ignore any pictures someone might show you to prove otherwise.
Oh babies, you must be growing so much, because I can’t poop. Before I went to the doctor, I was sobbing every time I walked into the bathroom. It’s so funny, because you guys are going to poop so much! It will be adorable. I will be so jealous.
I wish you guys could see my boobs right now, because they’re laced with these crazy blue veins and look vaguely super-hero-ish. And my belly button is on the verge of non-existence.
Your dad thinks all of these things are super cool (except for the pooping - he doesn’t really like to hear about that one), and it is pretty amazing, but it would be more so if you would let me get some damn sleep.
I am very excited to meet you and think we’ll have a lot in common. Already, the three of us are pretty in sync with our love of ice cream sandwiches.
You guys better not turn out to be jerks.