I never thought I’d find myself sitting at Thanksgiving dinner one year thinking “I’m thankful for science,” but I guess I am.
Up until about a month ago, I was pregnant. And without getting too much into the nuclear fallout that has occurred, I will never get pregnant again without science.
And while I don’t think that this blog will turn into a chronicle of my experience, I don’t want to feel like I can’t post something here if I want to (like videos of the inside of my uterus, of course).
I’m tired of feeling embarrassed and ashamed and abnormal, because whether those feelings make sense at all, they’ve all come up.
It feels like such a taboo subject. And this is such a lonely thing to go through as it is. I think that’s the word I’d use that most describes this whole thing: lonely. Even though I have someone with me who is totally supportive, it’s still lonely.
But we have a shot, and I can be nothing but thankful for that. And we live in one of the few places that is financially supportive of IVF. And we have some incredibly kind doctors who make sure we’re included in every decision made, and that call just to see how things are going.
It will be awhile until we can start treatment - I still have some healing to do. But it’s still basically the only thing I can think about. Partly because I feel like I’m not allowed to tell anyone, because of some sort of stigma attached to the whole thing, and partly because I’m a control-freak, and this is so beyond my control.
It’s interesting - people have been uncomfortably inquisitive about when we’re going to have kids. I have had friendships end over their insensitivity. When it comes down to it, they’re asking about my husband screwing me. There have been times when I’ve wanted to say, “Well, last night we were doing it, and managed to flip from doggy-style to reverse cowgirl, but then I kind of held my one leg up in the air while it was all happening…” because I have this need to show, by embarrassment for some reason, that they’re being inappropriate. Part of me hopes that by being candid, people will think before they speak. Another part of me doubts it, but it’s worth a shot.
I hope someday I feel like a normal human being again.
Let’s look at the bright side…at least I don’t have to have sex anymore, right!??!