February 2010
50 posts
January 2010
43 posts
To be fair, she was pretty good
Lady: I just was given a warning that my time is not being extended on the computer. I'M WORKING ON SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: Really? Cause I just walked by you two minutes ago, and you were playing Bejeweled.
Lady: .... Shit.
Me: Yup.
A Yoga Wedding: My sister gets married standing on...
At her first wedding, I was the only bridesmaid, a (drunken) 19 year old.
At her second wedding, I will be the witness, a (drunken?) 29 year old.
I applaud her lack of superstition at my taking part in the wedding.
Theme song
Sometimes I want a theme song a la “Cheers” for my evening. It would go something like this:
Sometimes you wanna go
where you can always wear sweatpants
(do do do do)
and you break out spontaneously in dance
(do do do)
you wanna be where you can eat
chips and guacamole
you wanna go where everybody burrrritos.
(I’m still working out the kinks. the hard part is that...
Your local library has tax forms
But your local librarian does not want to do your taxes.
My new method of relaying this information is to ask a question about my taxes every time they ask me about theirs.
For example:
Dude: What form do I need if I work for myself part of the year, and a company for another part?
Me: Good question! Now I’ve got one… What form do I need if I lived in one state till April, moved to...
Fancy clothes, bad attitude
Designer Girl: We have a huge problem.
Me: Oh? And what is OUR problem then?
Designer Girl: Your printer just ate 50 cents of mine.
Me: Okay, it didn't print your material?
DG: It didn't print out what I wanted it to.
Me: Did you read the directions where it says you must do a print preview?
DG: JESUS. NO. GIVE ME MY MONEY BACK.
Me: Maybe you should learn to read directions instead of blaming me for your inadequacies.
DG: Did you seriously just say that to me?
ME: Did you seriously not hear me? Cause I'll say it again.
And I giggled every time I said spermatic
The other night we had friends over, and during the course of the night I did a dramatic reading of the very detailed description provided by the doctors of the cats neutering.
Twice.
——>I’M FUN AT PARTIES<———
DEWEY BE DAMNED!
Once in awhile, a volunteer takes it upon himself to make the library better.
That means, without asking or telling, he meshes two entire sections of the library together.
Oh, you’re looking for a non-fiction book on tape? TRY THE FUCKING MYSTERY SECTION, OF COURSE.
Well there goes my marathon training
HAHA Fooled you!
I am one of the very rare people who actually walk faster than they run.
Am not joking. No marathons for me!
But really, in breaking news, despite being too sick to work out for the past two weeks, I woke up and:
ALL OF MY LEG MUSCLES ARE PULLED.
wtf.
Stick a fork in me. But make it a plastic one so...
Dear Internet,
I’ve been full on unable to swallow, snotting blood sick for two weeks now, and while I’m terribly jealous to see everyone leaving for San Fran, I guess my cranky, sick, feverish, coughy ass should be glad I never bought the plane tickets when @GoNowGo told me to.
Looking very forward to our Richmond vacation next month. I hear we’re staying at a 5 star hotel and...
Massholes
i am not a masshole. i voted. the people i know voted.
coakley ran the shittiest campaign i’ve ever seen, and i didn’t like her, didn’t want to vote for her. but i did.
i’m feeling sensitive after having gotten emails blaming me this morning from “old friends” who dont live in massachusetts.
and i’m getting mad.
so dont call me a masshole!
You can,...
the possible ruin of popsicles forever.
i broke down today and went to the doctor.
i can hardly swallow. i havent been able to eat more than pudding/jello since monday. i haven’t slept since then either.
i’ve been taking large doses of ibuprofen that do nothing to alleviate any of the pain. ibu is my normal go-to-guy!
so i went. i told her, i cant eat, sleep, swallow, get rid of, or stand the pain.
she told me...
The Right Stuff
Sincerely hoping no one noticed the New Kids on the Block cup in the background in the picture I just posted on twitter.
Its an ironic keepsake.
I swear.
2 tags
“WARNING: This is a bawdy tale. Herein you will find gratuitous shagging, murder,...”
– The preface to Christopher Moore’s new (2009) book, Fool.
Well thank god.
