February 2012
9 posts
10 Things to Love About Greenfield →
How is Yesterdays not on the list?!?!
Breaking news:
It is actually possible to get all the way to the end of a tube of chapstick.
I mean, I probably did, right?
Having one of those “I think I put on deodorant” days.
Work did not start off well
And it has been going straight downhill ever since.
Thank goodness it’s already…10:25. Shit.
January 2012
28 posts
Hell got just a little bit colder today.
I have an intern…
that I like!
To be fair, I do look like hell.
Boss: Wow, you look like shit. Why are you here?
Me: Because my boss is a bitch and works me to death then tells me I look like shit.
Boss: I like her.
I must be their least favorite patient at this...
Nurse: Well, you can resume sexual activity, but we'd still rather you not orgasm for now.
Me: Okay, so just pretend like I'm in college again.
Nurse: ...
When you've looked for your phone
In the cat food
In the fridge (twice)
In the trash
On the food shelves
In the laundry basket
And then you find it 45 minutes later, sitting on your bed, it’s time to call it a night.
Stop the Internet, I want to get off.
I’m having one of those days where nothing is okay.
Most days, when I see pregnant people, I have no problems. But I know that tonight I have to see a pregnant person that I don’t want to see. And I know 4 (FOUR, FUCKING FOUR?!?!?) people with the same due date I would have had if I had remained pregnant last time. And I love them all. But today, reading my friend’s blog about...
Your afternoon stretch warm-up
Should include a mental checklist like:
1. am i stretching in front of my boss?
2. did i happen to undo the button on my pants earlier, making stretching release the zipper on my pants?
3. in front of my boss?
# of days I've worn my new snow boots to work: 1
# of days I forgot and left them there: 1
Stirrup Sunday
But this time involves valium, and I remembered to wear comfy socks.
I’m getting way too good at spreadin’ the old beanpoles.
Nurse Wordsmith
Nurse: And then, after the procedure, you'll have discharge downstairs.
Mike: I hate to ask, but is that a side effect or something we need to do before we leave?
Nurse: (long pause) Little bit of both actually.
What's the word
For when you’ve spent the day dealing with death and sadness, and then you wake up the next morning waiting for a phone call about your embryos.
I’m going with: Weird.
I’ve obviously mastered the English language.
How many pair of stockings do I need to go through...
Four. And counting.
4:22am
My belly is sore, but not swollen. Developing a complication like a swollen belly at this point could cancel everything. Which is why I’m awake at 4:22am trying to decide if I’m just sore or swollen.
Surgery tomorrow.
Because this week wasn’t turning out to be nearly hectic enough.
Me and my 30 or so (huge, ovary swelling) eggs could put Octomom to shame.
Also, I should probably stop drinking wine now.
He will be missed. Fuck cancer. →
Just an update
Now I’m at a bar, drinking beer. In maternity pants.
Comfortably Dumb
In possibly the most mortifying news ever…. I’m wearing maternity pants to work.
Apparently my cute little normally almond-sized ovaries are about (combined) the size of a soccer ball.
In addition to being mortified, I am angry at the universe for the cruel joke, embarrassed, bloated, humiliated and OH MY GOD THESE PANTS ARE SO COMFORTABLE.
If you write an email addressed "Gentlemen:" when...
I will reply with “Dear Mrs. (name):”
Despite your very obvious signature of “Dr. Very Male Name.”
Dick.
"Can't you just wear sweatpants to work?"
My boss, on the issue of my stomach, which is bloated beyond all fatpants.
Considering she’s the boss, I will take that as permission.
She may not realize that she’s opened the elastic gates.
December 2011
25 posts
That's a little corn ball you got there.
We’re sitting at home, getting drunk off of ridiculous beer, joking about what a cunt 2011 has been.
But maybe, when all is said and done, we’ll remember this as the year we went to Ireland. Or the year we got a lot of sad news, but got the chance to spend time with and tell people that we may not have for much longer how much we love them, and the year I started humming the growing...
I randomly decided to keep my office door closed...
Which worked out well for the screaming and crying meltdown that ended up happening a few minutes ago.
Which is funny because yesterday I told a health professional, “I handle stress pretty well.”
Apparently I lie.
"I think the wax won."
My gynecologist’s reaction to last night’s battle royale.